Loss Within a Work Family

This past week, a co-worker of mine passed away. A professor beloved by both his students and colleagues, he died suddenly, leaving behind a wife, children, and hundreds of people whose lives he had made a better place through his daily interactions and insights about the world around us. My friend taught a wide range of classes, a man who helped students figure out everything from intro to philosophy to ethics, and he was liked by everyone. In all of my years working at my university, I have never heard a negative word said about him. His curiosity, positivity, and kind demeanor seemed to put everyone else at ease.

It's difficult to think of my school without him. As an academic advisor, I could always tell my students "it's time for you to take business ethics with (my friend); he's a great teacher! You'll get a lot out of that class!" When I'd hit on ethics in my intro level business classes or upper-level management work, students would often tell me they had talked about a key point from the example in his class. As a general education requirement for the business students under my purview, my friend had become a constant and integral part of the experience, and one that I simply counted on to always be there.

Alas, none of us are permanent, and sometimes the really good ones, like my friend, leave us far too soon.

In all of my years of doing grief volunteerism, and now workplace bereavement research, I've learned a lot of things. Chief among these lessons is to NOT tell people how to grieve or to assume that the burden of others is anything like your own. Grief is normal and natural; it's our body and soul's response to losing someone we care about...but it's as individual as our fingerprints and DNA. No single approach to grief (or being supported in the process) works for everyone.

What might be helpful, however, is addressing how we approach grief in the workplace. We can create frameworks that support individuals without telling them how to manage their own feelings. I offer these basic lessons learned from my past few years of research as guidance for those tasked to help co-workers through such a process:

1. Legitimize the impact of what has happened. According to some studies, Americans now have the longest workdays of any first-world country. This factor means that we see our co-workers more than our families or non-work friends. It is only natural that bonds are built; for many people, our "work-families" are every bit as connected to us as our biological ones. Being open with feelings, stories, and the ways that you were connected to the person who passed are all ways to let other know that it’s normal and ok to share (to the extent each of us is comfortable).

 
2. Provide opportunities, not obligations. Some people may be looking for an opportunity to share their feelings about the deceased, while others choose not to. During a time of grief, the office can also be a respite for individuals where they can immerse themselves in work and NOT express their grief. Neither approach is wrong; instead, these choices should be up to each individual. Organizing ceremonies outside of normal office settings, where those not comfortable with participating can easily choose to not participate, will likely serve everyone better.

3. Communicate with co-workers (especially those who you manage). During times of bereavement at work, it’s important to listen more and talk less...and to avoid giving unsolicited advice. A simple "how are you doing with all of this?" or “I am checking in on you; if you want to talk I am here” acknowledges the loss and also provides the individual a chance to express preferences (i.e. level of participation in memorials, etc.). A co-worker's response that they want to be included or that they simply "don't want to talk about it" will help in reducing anxiety for everyone. A special effort should be made also to include remote workers, who often already feel excluded from in-person office families.

4. Be compassionate with expectations. While most organizations cannot simply shut down when someone dies, providing colleagues with some latitude for deadlines and work deliverables is an act of kindness everyone can benefit from. Returning to point number 1, the loss of a co-worker is akin to a family death for many of us.

Try as we might, we cannot instantly soothe the hearts and souls of our grieving co-workers (or ourselves). It's incredibly challenging to find meaning in the death of a friend. We can, however, create environments that are adaptable to each of our needs as we collectively (and individually) navigate the loss of someone who made our daily lives better.