Keep saying “hi”; a case for saving human interaction across generations

 

A few weeks back, my brother and I were shopping at an area Target. When I came out of an aisle, I almost collided with a trio of college-age people.

“Woah, I’m sorry,” I said, realizing I should have looked before moving into the foot traffic. None of the young folks responded to me.

I said “I’m sorry about that” as they continued to walk past, not one of them acknowledging the attempt at normal social interaction. I couldn’t decide if I was more irritated or offended.

Like the rest of you, I’ve experienced similar interactions at stores, restaurants, and while walking my dog Willis at the local college campus. Attempts at polite social norms (i.e., saying “excuse me,” when walking past someone, thanking someone for holding a door, etc.) are often met with eye contact and no vocal response. While such instances are usually people far younger than me, I’ve noticed more of this behavior in older folks as well.

I think this approach to communication (namely choosing NOT to vocally interact) is a phenomenon that has started with the youngest among us…but it’s contagious. Given enough unreciprocated communication attempts, and even older chatterboxes will start giving up on speaking to others in public.

Let me be clear; I’m NOT one of those people who strikes up long conversations with cashiers or strangers on airplanes. My wife has commented on how “mission driven” I tend to be in public (while she regularly makes friends on just about every trip we’ve ever taken). However, I’m troubled when a person can look me in the eye and say nothing back to me when I say something as simple as “hello.”

As a college prof who spends a LOT of time teaching intro-level courses, I’ve seen the problem get worse over time (particularly since the pandemic). If left to their own proclivities, many of these young folks would gladly go an entire semester without speaking in class. At times, I will repeatedly say “good morning,” and prompt a response simply to show them the concept of human interaction. Annoying and cheesy? Definitely. A step to encouraging people to use their voices? Absolutely.

As a “man of a certain age” (turning 51 this spring), I hear many of my friends and colleagues complain about this trend. While I also don’t enjoy the prospect of a continuing “one-sided conversation,” I think it’s also helpful to remember that this behavior is likely not any individual’s fault. Generally speaking, behavior is based in experience. That young person who won’t say “thank you” when having the door held for them or who truly doesn’t know how to act in a job interview is a product of the environment in which they were raised.

A few semesters ago, on a particularly quiet day in class, I asked my students why they were so reticent to interact. Finally, after a few awkward minutes of silence, a brave guy piped up: “We’re just really afraid of looking stupid,” he said. “It’s how our generation has been raised.”

I thanked this young guy for both his honesty and willingness to speak….and I really started thinking about what he said. In context, it made a lot of sense. These kids (people under 25 or so) have been raised in an era where their academic and professional futures are tied strongly to standardized tests where the answers are either “right” or “wrong.” They’ve faced daily scrutiny from their peers on their social media presences, ranging from what they’re sharing, to who’s sharing their content, and liking/following them. As their primary reach to the larger world, social media has rewarded or punished them in ways that are both permanent and pervasive; as they say, “once it’s out there, it’s out there.” There’s little room for error as every post, comment, and reaction can be judged for all eternity.

Some studies report that 45% of GenZers have been cyber-bullied (https://www.digitalinformationworld.com/2022/09/new-research-shows-45-of-gen-z-faces.html). Roughly the same amount of this generation describe their own mental health as good (https://www.aecf.org/blog/generation-z-and-mental-health). The message is clear: Be careful what you say or it will be used as leverage against you.

Comedian Bo Burnham has actually compared social media use to tobacco, stating “I think there are probably certain elements about social media that we’ll look back on in the way we look back on smoking, where we’ll be, like, ‘Maybe we shouldn’t all have been doing that.’ The equivalent of ‘My doctor smoked’ will be, like, ‘My shrink had a Twitter.’ ” (https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2018/07/02/bo-burnhams-age-of-anxiety). While I DO think the world would be a better place if kids under 18 had no access to social media and limited smartphone connectivity, such actions are unlikely.

So what actions should we take? I hear feedback from my consulting clients all the time about the difficulties of communicating with younger employees. To be fair, while the behavior of GenZ employees indeed may not be their personal fault, it can be problematic in the workplace. A fellow GenXer described his problems with young employees in his manufacturing plant, stating that when machines break down, GenZers will frequently stand in place instead of letting anyone know about the problem. Such inabilities to bridge communication gaps can lead to lower productivity AND potentially unsafe work environments.

I think it’s up to us to keep trying. In my classroom, I regularly create scenarios where students have to speak…but also ensure that “wrong answers” don’t bring punishment or ridicule. I do my best to make it safe to have an opinion. While many of my generational peers make fun of the term “safe spaces,” I don’t mean that I’m going easy on anyone; I expect people to apply effort end make reasonable attempts…but in a way that encourages MORE interaction in the future.

In my experience, the key approaches are communications and trust….and one builds the other. A few years back, one of my students visited me during office hours to tell me how afraid she was of being called on in class. To be clear, this student was bright, articulate, and got fantastic grades….but carried extreme anxiety into the classroom. My counter offer to her? Volunteer to speak up on topics that you feel really confident about. The result was that she ended up participating more frequently in class while reducing her anxiety….all while developing her communications skills.

I don’t have an easy solution for the awkward public interactions, but I’m going to keep saying “excuse me,” and “sorry” when I walk in front of someone at a store. I do, however, think that all of us of a certain age should make a reasonable attempt to build trust with our younger employees, co-workers, students, and friends. Unlike the world of social media, show these individuals that your interactions are NOT designed to produce ridicule or attention, but to create actual human connections. I’m currently working on designing a training program to help employers and managers get better at this approach…stay tuned!

If we can remember that behavior has roots in experience, maybe we older generations (and those words are painful for me to write) can quit taking these challenges so personally. Let me be clear, however…it’s okay to be annoyed….just try to remember that the young person who won’t interact is probably not staying quiet because it’s you.

And, oh yeah, keep speaking to others in public. The human connection is far too important for us to give up on.